As I got older things got worse with my mother and me. I was thirteen when my mother took on a ‘friend’ role and she called herself the “cool mom.”
My mother was a cigarette smoker and an alcoholic. She thought she was cool because she showed me how to be cigarette smoker and let me drink alcohol. Virginia Slims, the first cigarette I smoked. My mother sat me down at our kitchen table and showed me how to inhale and exhale the smoke.
Drinking. It started with wine coolers and cheap liquor with Kool-Aid. It only took a few times of getting sick to seriously question why anyone enjoyed drinking at all. Luckily, I didn’t keep up both habits. I guess watching my mother and substitute father drunk all the time scared me. I hated who they were with alcohol and I feared that alcohol would do the same to me.
Cigarettes on the other hand, my mother bought me cartons of cigarettes and let me smoke in my own room. I became addicted quickly and I would smoke as often as I could. Every time I got into an argument with my mother or she was upset about something I watched her pick up a cigarette and I too learned to pick up those habits. For years, I could not associate anger or sadness without cigarettes. I relied on smoking to get me through everything, but it was my worst enemy.
I have nothing against smoking or drinking. Of course, smoking is bad for you and drinking a lot can be bad for you. But, what I am against is people abusing those substances. Cigarettes are not for children or teenagers who cannot understand the repercussions of smoking. My mother’s choice to encourage my smoking habit damaged me physically. After years of smoking I felt reliant on cigarettes and realized how much they were damaging my health and it was so very difficult to stop. Oh, mother.
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I apologize for the long lapse in writing. I have been told to share my story for a long time because others and myself know that it has the potential to help others. I have waited for years to share because I wanted to be emotionally and mentally prepared for writing and essentially re-living what I have gone through. I thought I was ready, but after some of my first chapters I felt myself feeling pretty overwhelmed.
I took a few weeks to process how it made me feel. I would just like to recognize the importance of self-care. For the first few days I just let myself cry mostly because I felt sad. Then, I took time to think about why it made me sad and prepare myself for how the rest of my chapters would potentially make me feel. Many of us have experienced trauma and it is so important to take time to process and address the feelings associated with that trauma. I do feel that I have overcome what I have gone through, but there is certainly something powerful about sharing.
I am ready to continue sharing my story. More than anything I want to be able to help and empower others. I would feel many days of sadness if I knew I could help at least one person. Mostly, that we have the ability to move past what we have gone through and live a wonderful and fulfilling life. For those who face adversity I want to provide resources a give them a better chance of succeeding. With my willingness to make a difference I will share my story. ❤
My story is a tumultuous one and my stories evoke heartache and pain. I want to share experiences with others so some know they are not alone and for others to realize what some are capable of. I have chosen to move forward from my past it will never be separated from the person I am and will be. Day by day, week by week, I will write to try to make sense of who I am by what I have gone through.
The chapters will not be in order and will be written randomly. None of the chapters that I will share hold any more value over the others, but at this time in my life I am starting to realize what and how things affect me and how they relate to my past. I am constantly questioned about how I could still be standing after all that I have gone through. Honestly, it’s not easy but it is possible. I want to provide a space where my words can make others feel hopeful and strong. I would like to instill the will to be compassionate and understanding toward others. We are all capable of making a difference and that’s what I hope to do with this blog.
***Please read the ‘about’ section before reading my chapters.
**Trigger warning– the content of my blog my trigger memories of adverse experiences that some of you may have had. If so, please remember to self-care. Take a moment and remember where you are and how you have overcome it. Try not to ignore the way you are feeling instead take time to acknowledge it. I will admit that sometimes I cry when I am writing because I remember what I felt while going through those things and it’s sad. But, it is a healthy cry and it helps me cope and appreciate everything that I have now.
Help me, help others by re-posting my link http://www.paigeway.com