Chapter 3: It Started Off Bad

I was two months premature and only weighed three pounds when I was born, but I made it. Since birth, my mother never let me forget that she almost died bringing me into this world, ironic isn’t it (you’ll have to read Chapter 2)?

I was born with a birthmark on my face. A birth mark so big a person could see it even if they weren’t trying. So no adult could resist commenting and no child could miss the opportunity to tease me.

I guess what I am trying to say is that since the moment I was born things were tough.

My biological father was still in the picture until I was about two. Clearly, my father leaving wasn’t my fault, but my mother would spend the next 18 years blaming me:

“You were a horrible baby. Your father left because of you.”

“Your ugly face made your father leave, no one loves an ugly baby.”

“If you were just a good girl maybe your father would have stayed.”

All of my her problems were my fault. As a one-year-old I should have known better then to be born ugly and misbehave. What was I thinking? (this is sarcasm)

BUT, think about it. When you are a child and your mother is saying terrible things toward you, how does a child know how to compartmentalize something like that? Emotional and verbal abuse can tear children apart. It breaks down their spirit, securities, and how much they value themselves.

As a child I never believed my mother loved me. I am still not sure if she does. What I do know is nothing that she ever said about me was true.


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4 thoughts on “Chapter 3: It Started Off Bad

  1. I’ve read all of your posts. I’m really glad that I read you “About” first, otherwise I would have been very concerned about you. Thanks for following my work here because I know some of those same pains too, and thankfully I also know God’s transforming love.

    I do have one question though to help me better understand your writing. There seem to be chapters missing. Is that because they have been written and marked “private”? Or maybe you have a general outline but are not writing and posting everything in the final complete order? It is fascinating that you are posting non-sequentially. It makes me wonder.

    Anyway, you are in my prayers, even though thankfully you are in a much better place. Stories like this need to be told. They help us heal and they help others heal too. So I pray for your writing and your strength. Thank you.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you so much for your very kind words.

      Yes, the ‘about’ section is very important. The chapters are missing because I haven’t wrote them yet. I am expressing chapters by what comes up through my current day to day feelings, that remind me of things that have happened in my past. A way to help me understand the way a behavior or comment toward me may elicit a certain reaction from me. I am interested in moving on from my past, but also how it still plays a role in my life today.

      Thank you again.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. You’re welcome, and thank you for explaining further. It sounds like you are letting God direct your writing, and that’s always a good thing. He knows better than we do what needs to happen so that we can heal. He helps us understand why we react in certain ways and that understanding leads to new and more positive patterns. Still praying for you. You are a gift.

        Liked by 2 people

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